


Fortuitous Recollections

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-26
Updated: 2006-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-19 16:58:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12414243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: These are just random memories Lily has had.  They come in no logical order and aren't really meant to make sense with any story or explanation.  They are designed to be flashbacks that show what kind of person I picture Lily to be and are meant to add some depth to her as a character.





	1. Fighting the Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Summary: These are really just random memories Lily has had. They come in no logical order and aren't really meant to make sense with any story or explanation. They are just meant to be flashbacks that show what kind of person I picture Lily to be and are meant to add some depth to her as a character.

 

It’s odd how certain events in your past are remembered so clear.  I remember it as if it was almost yesterday, and in a way, I wish it were.  So many bad things hadn’t happened yet.  Our connections to the war were purely based on morals.  Nameless, faceless people were dying, and no matter how tragic or sad their deaths were, it didn’t matter.   It didn’t affect us.  But now it is different.  Now it is much more personal.  But that day, I remember the light teasing, the playful banter going on about a subject that was so important and huge, but meant almost nothing to us.  We were untouched, unaffected, and apathetic.  We were saddened, yes, from the tragic deaths of local heroes, but were yet to feel the full impact of the war, of the hate on both sides, of the wrath or Lord Voldemort.  We were young, innocent, and far too naive.  Now we are still young, but the innocence and naivety have disappeared.  We’ve been forced to grow up in a very cruel way.    
__

_CROUCH GRANTS AURORS USE OF UNFORGIVABLE CURSES reads the headline of the paper._

_I sigh in disappointment and shake my head at no one in particular. It doesn’t make sense. Crouch and the aurors are supposed to be in the good side, yet they keep stooping lower and lower. Soon the good side will be on the same level as the Death Eaters. Soon we too will be killing innocent bystanders so that the “big picture”� can be prettier. Soon there will be casualties on our side that haven’t been killed by Voldemort._

_“What,”� James asks as he swallows._

_How can I explain it? How can I tell him everything that I am feeling? “Oh, nothing.”�_

_"You don’t approve,”� he says as more of a statement than a question as he glances over my shoulder to read the paper._

_“Uh,”� I say as I try to think of a way to coherently defend myself without sounding so deficient. I settled on just saying, “No, I don’t”�._

_“I knew you wouldn’t. Fighting fire with fire is never the right thing to do.”�_

_“It’s not.”�_

_“Of course, we should just sit by and be trampled upon. We should let them destroy our forest with the fire and find a better way than retaliation.”�_

_Well, if he wants it to be a fight, “No, we shouldn’t just sit back and ‘let our forests be destroyed.’ The solution to fighting fire is water.”�_

_“Water doesn’t always work.”�_

_“But if you fight fire with fire, then what is left? Fire. Nothing has been fixed. Every side has a weakness. That is how we win. We find their weakness. They found ours. It’s the fire.”�_

_“But we don’t have enough water to win.”�_

_“Sure we do. We just haven’t figured out how to use it, or where it is all stored, or something James. There has to be a better way.”�_

_“Fire is fierce and uncontrolled. Water is slow, patient, and pitiful. The only thing that beats brute force is brute force. It’s not going to work.”�_

_“That’s where you’re wrong. We don’t have to decline in integrity. We rise, and then we win. We have to. If we don’t, then we’re proving they have the best way. I can’t believe that James. I just, can’t. Because, then, James, what are we fighting for, if only to prove that their ways are better than ours?”�_

 

Here we are, still very much young, but much more grown up.


	2. Friends

You know those moments where you finally put all of the pieces of the puzzle together and realize that life, as you know it is about to change and there is no more going back? Do you know how that feels?  Me too.  It’s horrible, eye awakening, and depressing.  You think everyone is fine, and then someone puts this stupid idea into your head, and bam, the floodgates are open.  And as we all know, when a flood hits, things end up decimated, never to return to their original state or glory.

 

_Peter, observant Peter, had to comment on the fact that Sirius would not stop staring at me._

_“That’s ridiculous Peter. Sirius would never want me. He’s probably just daydreaming about some floozy he took to the astronomy tower last night, or, wants to take to the tower tonight.”�_

_“No, Lily. You don’t understand.”�_

_“What don’t I understand?”�_

_“There is no floozy. Unless, of course, you are referring to yourself and you went to the astronomy tower last night with Sirius. In which case, I must say, I am very disappointed. I thought you were a good girl.”�_

_“You mean…”�_

_“Slow, aren’t you.”�_

_“No. Just, no. It’s not right. It’s, terrible.”�_

_For some reason, I saw fit to say something to Sirius. I had to clear it up. It had to be a misunderstanding. There was no way. I was in denial._

_“But of course Peter’s just being stupid. There’s no way. We’re just friends.”�_

_“What? Uh, yeah. I mean no.”�_

_“No, what,”� I asked as I help my breath, readying myself for the worst, and hoping for the best._

_“I mean no, we can’t be friends,”� he told me as I looked into his eyes, knowing what eye opening confession was sure to come any second now, and wishing I could somehow make it better, wishing I had never said anything. “We can’t be anything. We can’t be enemies. We can’t even ignore each other. We have to just coexist. I know you would never cheat on James, and I would never ask you to.”�_

_“I don’t think I am following you.”� There seem to be a lot of things I didn’t understand._

_“No. No. No. We can’t be friends. Friends would lead to trouble. Friends would break my heart. Friends would be simply disastrous. Friends, simply, won’t work.”�_

_“James will suspect something when he notices we aren’t speaking. We kind of have to be friends.”�_

_“James already suspects something because he thinks we’re talking too much. Believe me, it’s much better this way.”�_

_“He thinks,”� I am cheating on him, I was going to say._

_“No. He thinks I am in love with you.”�_

_“But, that’s,”� preposterous, I was thinking._

_“Absolutely correct. But I won’t do anything about it. James, pardon me, is much more important to me than you are, and he loves you ten times more than I ever will.”�_

_“You’ll get over me. Don’t worry. I’m not that great. I don’t see why you and James both have to fall in love with me. I mean, give it a week. You’ll bee seeing my evil side all over the place if you just look.”�_

_“Stop trying to make it better. Just face it. We can’t be friends. Guys and girls can’t be friends.”�_

_“Why not? I’m friends with plenty of guys.”�_

_“Sure you are,”� he said as he laughed. “You just don’t understand the concept, Lily. You put a guy in a category, he thinks, ‘Hey! I’m in a category. That means I have a shot.’ If you’re friends with me, than I will always have hope. I’ll always be thinking I have a chance. Now, Lily, answer me honestly. Do I have a chance? Will I ever.”�_

_It broke my heart to see his big, puppy dog eyes, full of resignation and hope at the same time, only to confirm what he already knew. “Never.”�_

 

There was always a void in our relationship from that day on.  He was there, he was James’ friend, but he wasn’t allowed to be mine.  There were times I just felt so bad for him that I wanted to hug him, but that, as Sirius said, would put him in a category.  It was odd, just coexisting, and I still curse myself for ever even saying anything.  I guess sometimes there are perks to being blissfully ignorant. Some puzzles might be better left unfinished.  Some pieces should always stay lost.  I’ve figured this out, and yet, I still do self-destructive things like this.  I can’t stop. 


	3. Snow

I stood there, watching it snow.  I wish it could stay like this forever, I thought.  Life would be prefect.  If anything was magical, it was snow, and yet, so many people, who claim to be magical keep walking by, undeterred, shopping, and not caring.  For some it was if it almost didn’t even exist.  For others, it was a mere nuisance.  How one could show such an unconcern or be annoyed, I haven’t a clue.  

I hadn’t kept track of how long it has been since I first began standing here.  I didn’t really need to.  I wasn’t bored.  I wasn’t hyper.  I wasn’t even sad or distraught.  I was content in the best way possible.  If it weren’t for the fact that I could catch pneumonia, I would stand out there all day.  In fact, I probably would still stand there, but I have James, and he won’t let me.  He’ll make sure I come in before I even get frostbite.  Sweet, caring, James.  He’s snow, personified.  He’s perfect.  He’s never the same, but at the same time always.  He’s not the warmest, but comforting nonetheless.  He comes, sometimes unexpected, sometimes scheduled.  While this may be a bit cumbersome at times, it always ends up being a good thing.  

But James doesn’t watch the snow.  Once in a blue moon, he might come just for me, but he doesn’t appreciate it like I do.  Maybe I’m not as great to him as he is to me.  Maybe that’s why.  When you think about it, it makes sense.  I am always yelling at him.  I’m always taking time away from him and his friends.  I’m always stopping him from doing what he wants to.  I always whine until I get my way.  I snap at him when he tries to pressure me into giving him his way.  I’m horrible to him, and to his friends.  If he treated my friends the way I treat his, I would drop him like a hot potato.  

And yet, he doesn’t drop me.  He sticks with me through thick and thin.  He comes and watches me study, even though he refuses to study himself.  He tells me that the only thing he wants is to be with me.  He made sure no one bothered me while I was in the hospital wing, and sent me flowers everyday. He only bothers me sometimes.  James Potter is, without a doubt, the best boyfriend every.  He sticks.  How ironic.  Yet another way he is like snow.

So I watch it an appreciate it.  I look at how everything becomes softly dusted; looking like someone had a powdered sugar accident.  Then I watch as the ground looks as though it’s been iced like a cake, the sidewalks and streets being like the parts where a little kid has stuck its finger, ruining the scene, but comforting anyway.

As I am watching, I see James, breaking the pattern, walking through the middle of the snow, perfectly ruining the icing.  And yet I find myself unable to be mad at him, walking towards me with that half smile that I so often called an obnoxious smirk before, the smile that I fell in love with.  

“If you don’t come in soon, no one will be able to tell that your hair actually has some color under there.  People will start saying my woman is old and uses special face creams to make it appear so young.”�

“Pfft,”� I laughed, smirking at him calling me “his woman.”�  But it’s too magical a moment for me to scold him about that.  “You ruined the snow.”�

“How did I ruin the snow,”� he leered at me, smirk still on his face.  

“You walked right through the middle of it.”� 

“Look,”� he began, in that tone like he is reasoning with me as if I were a small child, “You can make just as many snowmen and snow angels, even with my footprints in the snow.”�

“You’re wrong.  You’ve ruined the illusion.  Besides, I’m not making snow angels.  I’m making snow Lilies!”� 

“Same difference.”�

“You’re wrong,”� I said, and I just smiled at him as I ran off and tumbled into the snow, making no movements.  

I heard him walking slowly towards me.  It was almost painful, the time he was taking.  

“Aren’t you supposed to move your legs and arms,”� he asked me, crouching down so I could properly see his face.

“I suppose that would be the correct course of action, were I making snow angels.  But snow Lilies are different.  It’s not a snow Lily if it has wings. I haven’t got any wings.”�

“You’re psychotic.”�

“I know.  Isn’t it great?”�  I paused for a minute, then said, “Why don’t you make some snow James’?  I’m sure tons of people would love looking at those.”�

He half smiled, half laughed at me, and for a moment, I thought he would refuse to.  But then he plopped down right next to me and lay there, and I beamed.  I carefully rolled over so I could kiss him. And then, I just lay on top of him and sighed into his neck.  I felt him smile into my forehead, and for some reason, what came out of my mouth surprised even me.  “You know, I’ve always wanted to have sex in the snow.”�

“I guess you are right.  There are all kinds of perks about the snow.”�

After he finally convinced me to walk inside I couldn’t stop beaming because I was so happy.  But then again, who I their right mind wasn’t happy?  There was magic in the air.  There’s always magic in the air when it’s snowing, muggle or not.


	4. Homesick

I was sitting there, writing furiously, experiencing homesickness to the fullest extent possible. It’s harder, I think, when there are breaks in between the long holidays. For a few weeks I go back, and then I don’t want to leave again. Last time I almost didn’t want to get on the train. I missed everyone, especially my sister. How could I tell her that marrying that prat was a mistake? I don’t think she loves him. I mean, how could anyone? He’s a loser. She just wants to get married so badly, and he is all willing and ready to go. I mean, who is going to want to marry him? He’s just, wow. Sirens were going off in my head when I met him for the first time.

_I wish I were there. It’s so much harder to help people when they are hours away from home, especially when telephones are a thing of mystery to the new culture you’re living in. She’s hardheaded anyway._

_I wish she would just understand that this is one of those things you can’t take back. It’s not like getting a new job or moving to a new country. If you get a new job and you don’t like it, you can always quit. If you don’t like a new country, then you can move back. With this, there is no quitting or going back. You can’t undo it no matter how miserable you are. Once you’ve done it, it’s a done deal._

_At least if I were there, I could help plan what is sure to be a spectacular wedding and imagine it were someone worthy of my sister. Now when I go back for the wedding, I will only be there when he is, and I can’t escape it. My sister is getting married, and I am missing it._

_I’ve missed so many important things in my sister’s life, in my family’s life, and in the lives of so many friends I care about. I hate it. I miss everything, and I’m starting to feel like a rotten friend, daughter, and sister. The only way to undo it is go back, and I can’t. I love it here too. It just feels so selfish._

_I sighed as I put my head in my hands to think. I don’t know what happened next, but I suppose it was something to the effect of Snape calling me a mudblood, because James was cursing him from the other end of the Gryffindor table. I never understood why mudblood was considered a derogatory term. I mean, I know they mean it as insulting, but who cares? If a two-year-old points at you, laughs, and says, “ugly,”� who takes offense? Other two year olds?_

But then, I realized a dramatic change of events. James was usually teasing or ignoring me. For the first time ever, James Potter was defending my honor, and even though I liked it, I tried to hide my furious blushing by yelling at him. It was probably then in my fifth year that I realized, he’s too good for me. I think at that moment I fell in love. 

The funny thing is though, I was in love, but only 15, and unfortunately too immature to handle it. So, I did what I did best. I was mean to him. I insulted him, and made him think he was unworthy of me. It was cruel, but I guess I figured I was doing him a favor anyway. Then he would steer clear of me.

The only problem with that, though, is, if he steered clear of me, then some other girl was likely to make the catch. 

Then it was time for me to go home again, and it was at this time that I experienced several other firsts, probably the most surprising being that for the first time, I didn’t want to leave Hogwarts. I was scared that James would fall in love while I was gone. I was homesick for Hogwarts and James. My mother noticed too, on the way to the train station after Petunia’s wedding. I was anxious to go back.

_“What’s happening at school that’s so important?”�_

_“Huh,”� I said, as I was awoken from my daydreaming._

_“I said, ‘What’s happening at school that’s so important?’ ”�_

_“Oh.”� Then I said, “ Nothing,”� after a long pause._

_“Mmm Hmm.”�_

_“Seriously, Mom. I’m just anxious to get to studying for my NEWTS.”� I don’t know why I said that. What kind of excuse is that?_

_“My daughter, anxious to study?”�_

_“Always.”�_

_“I suppose your fight with Petunia doesn’t have anything to do with it.”�_

_I had almost forgotten about it. “No, it’s not that.”�_

_She didn’t say anything else on either subject; just looked at me skeptically._

_I had forgotten about the week before. Petunia was so excited. I really tried not to ruin the wedding experience for her. I was so quiet the whole time. But, when she asked me what I thought, I couldn’t lie. That’s just not me. She didn’t like it that I said he was a blubbering baboon on his good days, and she hasn’t forgiven me because I refused to apologize. I wasn’t sorry, not at all. If you don’t want my opinion, don’t ask for it._

_“Well, You’re only fifteen anyway. What should I listen to you for anyway?”�_

_“I don’t know. Why did you ask me?”�_

_“To make you feel important.”�_

_“You know, 18 isn’t that much older or wiser than 15.”�_

_“Maybe not in your world, you freak, but here it is.”�_

_Slap. Freak. For the first time ever, my sister was insulting my magical blood, and suddenly, I didn’t want to be there anymore._

It was a long train ride home, thinking about it. I was emotionally drained by the time I got back to school. The sight of James sitting there alone in the Common Room, waiting for me, didn’t help. And that was when I broke down and cried. I sobbed onto his shoulder the rest of the night.

 

A/N: I don't particularly like this chapter, but I am posting it anyway. I know it sounds choppy, and I plan to fix it later. In a way, this story hits a chord way too close to home. Not many people know what it's like to be totally alone, away from your family, friends, and a home you really love while being exposed to a new way of thinking that isn't always pleasant, and being viewed as weird at the same time. I don't know. This chapter means a lot to me. So thanks for reading and reviewing.


	5. City Girl

“I think I’m going to die soon,”� Sirius declared as I told him we were going to lunch a few blocks away.

 

“Uh, Lil,”� James said apprehensively, “You do know you are a 17-year-old witch, and you can apparate all you want now, right?”�

 

“Yes, James.  I can apparate all I want in the middle of muggle London.  What was I thinking?  The locals wouldn’t think anything of me appearing all the way down the street after just disappearing from my current position.  They’re totally used to seeing people disappear in bouts of smoke randomly.”�

 

“Really,”� Sirius asked eagerly, and I could see the gleam in his eye.

 

“No, Sirius,”� I said, exasperated.  “You guys are so lazy.”�

 

“You know, Lil,”� Sirius replied, “You should really put on a different voice for sarcasm.  The one you use now sounds just like your real voice.  It makes it kind of hard to tell when you are trying to be sarcastic.  It could really mess you up one day.”�

 

“Thank you Sirius.  I’ll give that all the consideration it deserves.”�

 

“For real,”� he asked, eagerly.  

 

“Yes, for real.  In fact, I’m done.”�

 

“No really,”� James started whining once more, “Why do we have to do all this walking?”� 

 

“It’s not that much James.  Just think of it this way.  Soon, we will be at lunch, where you get to sit down, and then after lunch, we are going to go to the underground, and we will be well on the way back to my house.”�

 

“And how are we going to get to the underground?”�

 

“We walk,”� I declared, and to this I heard a symphony of groaning.  I’m almost tired of their whining.  It’s not as though I am making them swim across the Atlantic Ocean or anything.  They are just walking around town, shopping with me.

 

“Sirius, for the last time, stop playing with your muggle money or it will get stolen.  The only time your money is out is when you are spending it,”� I told him, once again, exasperated.  James and Sirius were worse than little kids.  But then again, you can beat your kids.  I suppose what my dad said might be true.  When you are raised in a big city, you do have to grow up sooner, or you’ll end up being mugged, raped, or killed.  

 

James and Sirius are the products of wonderland.  They were both raised in big houses with rich parents.  Their days were spent whining while mine were spent growing up.  So what if Sirius lived in a suburb?  Who walks anywhere, especially wizards, in those?

 

“Lily, I don’t know why you insist on doing things the muggle way,”� James declared for what must have been the millionth time this morning.  But for some reason, it didn’t bother me as much as it would have were I with someone, really anyone else.  James and Sirius are constantly showing me up.  I can’t remember the last time I did something better than them.  I’m going to gloat for as long as I can.  

 

“It’s ironic,”� I said during lunch.

 

“What,”� James asked.

 

“The two of you can spend hours and hours scurrying around the castle, but one morning around town and you suddenly suffer from a lack of energy.”�

 

“That’s because we actually like what we’re doing when we scurry around the castle.  Here we just get to follow you around while you shop for shoes,”� Sirius said.

 

 

After lunch, I heard a chorus of applause as I declared we could go home.  James prepared to apparate, as I said, “No, James, did I already tell you that you can’t do that?  Were in the middle of a muggle street packed with muggles.  My car is not that far away,”� and as I heard groans coming from both of the boys, I was glad we were going home.  They may do a lot of things better than me, but I don’t complain the whole time.  Maybe it was a good thing I decided to walk ahead.  I didn’t have to listen to their conversation the whole time.

 

“…making us run back to the meter every two hours to put that stupid muggle money in them.  Why couldn’t we have just put it all in at once?  She is nuts James.  I swear.  We weren’t even all that close to the car when she made us run back.  I think she just likes us being miserable,”� I heard Sirius whispering to James when I stopped to let them catch up to me, and then I saw James silence Sirius with a raise of his eyebrows.  Sirius looked up and said, “Ah, Lily, look, we are almost to your car.  But, noooooo,”� Sirius said very dramatically. 

 

“What now,”� I asked, this time really almost bordering on the line between sanity and exasperation.

 

“Someone has blocked your car in on both ends!”�

 

“So?”�

 

“So now you are going to make us walk more because you can’t get out.  It’s a disaster.  All the walking.  I’m going to die soon.”�

 

“Sirius, just get in the car,”� I told him, as we had finally arrived at the car door.  

 

“But what are we going to do?  It’s not like we can go anywhere.”�

 

“Watch and learn boys.  Watch and learn.”�

 

And I felt James grip my arm very firmly as I put the car in reverse.  “You aren’t actually going to move the car Lily?  You will mess it up so bad.  There is no way this little car will be able to take those bigger ones.  Especially with as much time as it takes this car to accelerate.  We don’t have enough space,”� he said in a panicky voice and I snorted as I shrugged his hand off of my arm. 

 

“No James, I am not going to fight with the other cars.  Just, shut the hell up.”�

 

And after getting out of the parking spot and hearing all kinds of worrying from the two of those dunderheads, we were well on our way to my house.  I must say though, I was quite glad when we arrived home.  Them whispering in the back seat criticizing me the whole time was not exactly pleasant.  

 

“Oh, no,”� James declared as we arrived at my house.”�

 

“What,”� I asked, yet again, as the whimpering began. 

 

“There is no where to park.”�

 

“Yes there is,”� I said, “Right there, in front of my house,”� and I pointed to the only available spot I could see.  

 

“But,”� Sirius began, as I cut him off.

 

“I’m going to do something called parallel park.  Shut your mouths and learn something new,”� I told them, once again becoming cocky, as I began the motions I have been performed almost every time I have ever parked a car.

 

And as they were jumping out of the car and giving each other bedraggled gazes, I looked up, gave them a toothy grin, and started walking back to the house, because for once, I could do something that they couldn’t. 


	6. Illusion

When I first got my letter to go to Hogwarts, I remember the ecstasy running through my house.  It was a great, unexpected thing, my going to Hogwarts.  Eleven years old, I was, and I had just been assured that good things do happen, whether they can really be classified as miracles or not.  It was the best part of the whole Hogwarts experience, not knowing what was going to happen, that the day would come when I would be homesick, that I would one day almost consider dropping out because of the work, or how it would affect my relationship the people that I love, but mostly with my sister.  

She was, in a way, my best friend.  I never did tell anybody, because, in a way, I was ashamed of saying she was a friend of mine. I think it was because I wanted to seem like I was cool and independent.  I didn’t need her.  To be fair to myself, however, she never told anyone we were friends either.

I noticed though, that she hadn’t spoken to me for days, not really.  She may have said a few perfunctory things, but we hadn’t really talked.  She hadn’t looked me in the eye.  We’ve barely been in the same room for 30 seconds.  She wasn’t even eating dinner with the family.  Something was wrong.  This wasn’t how our summers were spent.  It wasn’t how our life was spent.  We couldn’t have grown that far apart.

It stung, and I suddenly I was willing to admit that my sister and I were best friends.  I would even be grateful for her to admit that I was at least just her friend, and not only her sister.  

_I saw her sitting on her bed in her room.  I walked in, not even uttering a single word, almost shaking because I was so nervous.  This was a Petunia I had never known.  I sat down next to her, and hoped she would say something, or at least acknowledge my presence._

_“So, you’re leaving tomorrow,” she said, answering my wish._

_“The train leaves at 11:00,” I answered.  “Are you going to come see me off?”_

_“Maybe.  I might have stuff to do.”_

I stood up to leave the room, and on sudden impulse, decided to hug her before I ran out of the room.  It kind of depresses me that this brief exchange of words would be the final civil conversation we’d ever have.  

I suppose it’s kind of similar to why I used to like that little café around the corner from my house.  I went there, not because it was good, but because the boy who worked there everyday was the sexiest man I have ever seen.  He’s got the pretty eyes, the captivating grin, and the most seductive saunter I have ever seen.  I don’t know how he did it; it didn’t even look like he tried at all.  I don’t think he did, even a little bit.  But I would go, because somehow I was convinced he was in love with me.  It was stupid really.  He would greet me and ask me if he could get me anything.  Never mind it was his job.  That wasn’t why he did it.  And when he asked me if I was doing ok while I was eating, that wasn’t because he was trying to promote good customer service either.  We were in love, and the moment I turned 18, he was going to sweep me off my feet and marry me.  We would make hot, steamy love everyday for the rest of our lives.  

_“She won’t come to the wedding,” James declared, trying to show his patience with me, bordering on the point of exasperation._

_“She will,” I contested, not wanting my hopes of my wedding being perfect to be slain, but all the same knowing deep down that they would._

_“Okay,” he replied, diffusing to avoid the argument. “Just don’t get disappointed if she doesn’t come.  I don’t think she thinks you all are as good of friends as you do.”_

_“Okay,” I replied very softly, cuddling up to James and straying from my just earlier excitement, wanting nothing but to sleep and forget the whole thing._

Petunia did come to the wedding.  But James was right.  I shouldn’t get disappointed She wasn’t the most gracious of guests.  I had to hold my head up high and not cry.  

James was right; my relationship with Petunia is nothing more than part of my imagination, an illusion of my heart.  Maybe deep, deep down she cares, but she doesn’t show it.  I can’t change that, no matter how much I want to.  But she came.  She at least always came. 


	7. Shattered Hopes

He chased me down at the Order meeting.  I was trying furiously to avoid him, but he kept following me and yelling my name, “Lily, Lily.”

 

I just kept going.  He was making a scene, and I wasn’t helping, but anything but talking to him would be less painful.  It would open too many wounds to talk to him.  What would I say?  What would he say?  Anything would surely prove to be sufficiently awkward.  I couldn’t think of one thing he could say to me that wouldn’t make me go home and cry.  

 

So I kept walking, pretending I couldn’t hear him, while he was chasing after me throughout the whole house in front of the entire order, making fools out of both of us.  

 

I was walking so fast that I started to feel the stitch in my side.  Walking just a little faster would kill me, I thought.  James was gaining on me, and I cursed under my breath.  Seeing him wasn’t healthy.  It only made me hurt more.

 

“Why won’t you talk to me?”  He finally caught up with me.  I just stared at him.  Why would I?  We were broken up.  What else was there to say? 

 

“Did you hear me?  How come you won’t answer me?”

 

“You’re the one who broke up with me,” I said slowly, not knowing where to go with this.  I didn’t want to tell him too much.  My humiliation that has only been public to James has been quite enough.  I don’t need to tell him that I’m still in love with him after he kicked me to the curb.  It’s bad enough that I cried.

 

“We all say things we don’t really mean,” he replied.

 

“You told me you wanted to see other people, that I was too prudish, and that you had gotten what you wanted from me, so as far as you were concerned I could get lost.  It was you who stopped talking to me three weeks before you even came up with the courage to break up with me.  It was you who stopped talking to me, not the other way around.”

 

“Well, I thought we could still be friends.”

 

“Friends,” I asked him.  “Yeah, let’s still be friends.  You can ignore every owl, every floo, every method of contacting you until it’s convenient for you, and yes, let’s still be friends.  Why didn’t I think we were still friends?  We haven’t spoken in months.  We didn’t have one of those nice breakups.  We had the one where you were a jerk, and I cried every night for at least a week.”

 

“Like I said, everyone makes mistakes.”

 

“Mistakes?  No.  Mistakes are forgetting our date one night, or being half an hour late, or not remembering to return an owl.  Mistakes are not ignoring me for nearly a month and then breaking up with me for that whore.  Mistakes are not what you said to me.  Mistakes are not like that.  You meant every word that you said.  You told me so.”

 

“If you would just let me explain…”

 

“I’ve heard your explanations; everything was a mistake.  Tell me, was it a mistake before, or after she cheated on you?”

 

I pulled out my wand to hex him, but he was too fast for me and deflected it without a problem.  Damn him.  Why was he so damn clam, and I was a wreck?  Why was I holding back tears and he almost looked amused, like what he did was funny?  Why did he get out of this relationship that he wanted so painlessly?  I was the one who fought against it, who went against their better judgment and went out with him anyway.  Why was I the one who got hurt the most?  It should have been the other way around.

 

“Well,” I demanded of him.  He said nothing.

 

“Why is it that you have not talked to me one Order meeting, ever, and you choose tonight?”

 

He opened his mouth dumbly, for the first time since we talked, lost for words.

 

“Weren’t you the one who wanted to talk about this?  Are we becoming mute all of the sudden?  You would think that someone who chased so hard would have something productive in mind, but I guess you were never one that made sense,” I said, turning to walk away.  

 

“No!  Wait,” he said.  “Don’t walk away.”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said sarcastically.  “Did you have something else you wanted to say?  I mean, besides breaking up with me was a mistake?  I mean, if that’s it, you don’t have to say it again.  I already knew that before you told me the whole four times tonight.  Unless you have something enlightening to say, I think it’s time for both of us to bow out as gracefully as possible.”

 

He stood there gaping at me, still speechless.

 

“Oh, still nothing?  Goodbye then,” and I started to walk away again.

 

But he grabbed my arm, and said, almost desperately, “I love you, Lily.  I really do.”

 

“I haven’t heard that one before.  Yes, in fact, your actions show that you love me.  Why couldn’t I see that you love me so much?  I must be stupid.  Actually, that must be a common opinion around here since you obviously think so.”

 

“No, Lily.  You’re the smartest person I’ve ever known, and I love you,” he muttered under his breath, thinking I didn’t hear it.  And I, I walked away, pretending I didn’t.


	8. Bitter with the Bumps

I was sitting on a bench in the muggle park nearest to headquarters, crying, when he found me.  It figures he would be the one to find me.  We used to always come to this park.

 

Peter sat, and didn’t say anything for quite a while.

 

“Are you okay, Lily,” he asked, finally breaking the silence.

 

“I guess you saw that back there.”

 

“Lil, I think the muggles back there saw it.  You two did make quite a scene.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” I said slowly, and the silence came again.

 

But yet again, Peter broke it, “Why won’t you talk to him Lil?”

 

“Why should I?”

 

“Why shouldn’t you?  You should at least hear him out.”

 

“No,” I said and I paused for a second, “I’ve wasted enough time on him.”

 

“Why are you so bitter Lily?  What happened to the girl that I used to know?”

 

“It’s easier to be bitter than it is to have a relationship.  There’s a lot less work, a lot less heartbreak, and significantly fewer personality changes involved.”

 

“But weren’t those things that made you better than everyone else?”

 

“I’ve never, ever said that.”

 

“That doesn’t mean it hasn’t always been true.  You take things in stride, you don’t dwell on them, and you keep going.  Other people have never stopped you from being the person you have wanted to be.  I don’t see why you should change now, when you have the biggest opportunity to shame them.”

 

“Exactly.  I have to move ahead.  I can’t regress.  Going back to James would be taking a step in the wrong direction.  I want to move forward, not backwards.”

 

“But that’s not how it works Lil.  This whole thing between you and James is nothing but a speed bump in the road.  You go slow and painfully over it, praying to God that it won’t ruin your car’s underside and hold your breath, but once it’s over, you move on, going at normal speed, until the next bump comes along.  You don’t turn to get away from the bumps.  You’ll only find potholes, and you know what?”

 

“What,” I asked him, finally looking up, eyes bloodshot and teary from crying.

 

“Potholes are much harder to get past than speed bumps, and they will ruin your car a whole lot more,” Peter said plainly and matter of factly.  

 

“You know what else Lil?”

 

“What,” I asked; trying to figure out what else he had to say in James’ defense.

 

“James really was sorry after he cheated on you, and before you eve found out.”

 

“He’s right,” I heard a voice from the background, knowing who it belonged to.  “James was just about ready to kill himself when it happened.  He only told you because I, out of my good faith in you, convinced him that you would forgive him and take him back, because you, Lily dear are such a big person.  At least you were.  Should we say were?”

 

“You know what I don’t get,” I asked, looking up at the two of them.

 

“What?”  And they said it in unison, and I couldn’t help but shake my head.

 

“I don’t get that you are so insistent on James and I getting back together, when you are in love with me Sirius.”

 

“That’s true.  But, who isn’t Lily?”

 

“What?”

 

“Everyone is in love with you.  You are just in love with James.  So all of the people who really love you want you to be with him.”

 

“That’s not true.  Peter isn’t in love with me.”

 

“Oh, is that so.  Let’s ask him.  Peter?  Have anything to confess?”

 

“Uhh, I think this is where I leave,” he said and walked away faster than I have, in my entire life, seen anyone walk.

 

“See.  The guilt is all over his face.  You know, he’s been in love with you longer than James, or me for that matter.  Everyone is in love with you, and why shouldn’t they be?  You are the ultimate dream girl, and James knows it, which is why he did <i>not </i>go out with her.  She gave him a love potion and followed him around for weeks.  You just kept walking in on him while she put him in compromising situations and drew your own conclusions, and now, you and James are both heartbroken because of that stupid whore who wanted your man.”

 

“And why didn’t James tell me this?”

 

“Come on Lil.  Does it sound like a fishy story to you?”

 

 

I just stared at him, trying to decide whether or not he was telling me the truth.  Once my brain started hurting, I settled with just saying, “I wish I had as good of friends as James does.”  

 

“You do.  You know that one friend of yours, Amelia or Emmaline or something?  You know I never kept track of those chicks.  But anyway, she sent James dung bombs and howlers for weeks.  And that doesn’t include the sugar she put in the pipe of his car.  It really messed him up.  She’s a good one, that chick.  James is still finding calling cards all over his house.  He’s been rather broken up about it you know.  For some reason he really likes that car.”

 

“We bought it together,” I said softly.

 

“What was that, Lily dear?”

 

“The car.  I picked it out, and he bought it, for me.  I said no, and he bought it anyway.  I never would accept it.  But, it was my dream car, and he kept it, because he was going to talk me into marrying him someday and then, what was his would become ours, and I would end up with it anyway.  I was almost furious, but more caught up in how sweet it was.”

 

“See that.  My sentimental Prongs.  Who would have thought buying cool cars could really have a hidden meaning of getting chicks to marry you.  Hey, Lil, what other kind of car is your dream car?  If I buy it…”

 

“No, Sirius.  No.  And here I am, going on about how great of friends James has.”

 

“I was just kidding.  Calm down, and focus on the real issue.”

 

“Which is?”

 

“Whether or not you are going to keep James’ ring or finally do the right thing and give it back if you have no intention in marrying him.” 

 

“I’m keeping it either way.  I rather like the look of it.  I mean, it might be a nice middle or index finger ring.”  Sirius gave me the dirtiest look.  “I’m kidding.”

 

“And <i>I </i>am being serious.  Between you and me, who do you think is serious more?”

 

“Umm, you.”

 

“What, you are always more serious than I am.”

 

“Nuh huh.  You are always Sirius.  I never am.  I’m Lily.  God, how can you be in love with me and not even know my name.  Are you sure you haven’t had too much to drink tonight?”

 

“Yes Lily.  I was drinking my ass off at the Order meeting.  Dumbledore so wouldn’t kick me out for it.”

“He wouldn’t.  Mundungus Fletcher is still here.”

 

“I think you are completely missing the point of everything we have talked about tonight.”

 

“That’s not true.  I haven’t.  I’m ready to work on going over the bumps.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“That sounds like something Peter came up with.”

 

“It is.”

 

“And you’re listening to him?”

 

“Sirius, just come on and help me find James so we can go have wild make up sex.”


	9. It'll Never Work Out

“It’ll never work out.”

That’s what everyone said.  No one believed it would last; not even me.  He was too free; I was too feisty.  We would, when it came down to it, never agree on anything.  We would never last.  In fact, the only one who believed it would endure was the one who ruined it.  How ironic is that?

I sit here now, numb with sadness and shock, and I wonder why.  I was so happy.  He was so happy.  At, least I thought he was.  And I look at the ring that just a week ago was put on my finger, and I wonder what he was thinking, and why I’m still wearing it and why I can’t seem to take it off.  I mean, I know I should.  I go to a pawnshop and get lots of money for it.  I don’t even have to return it.  That’s how it works, right?  He screws up, I keep the ring?  If it was my fault, I would be obligated to return it, but I didn’t, so I get to keep it.  And it must be worth a lot of money.  Far be it from James Potter to buy me a cheap engagement ring.  At least I hope that’s how he would feel about me.  I don’t know anymore.  It almost seems as though I don’t even know him anymore.  Because if I did, he would care, and if he cared …

Petunia walks in, and I look up at her cheery face, my face emotionless, but wondering how the world can be so perfect for someone so bitter and condescending.  She said it, the first time I brought James home to my family.  “It’ll never work out,” she said, when all I wanted was for her to approve of him.  “He gets along with mom and dad too well.  He’ll get tired of you soon.  You’ll see.”  She said it all the time.  And every time she said it, I’d smile at her, ask her if berating me made her feel better, and run away laughing, only to sit on his lap and kiss him long and hard, praying she’d be watching and wrong, not even looking back to see her roll her eyes and walk away snottily.  I remember when I told her that James had proposed.  She rolled her eyes and made her skanky comments as I proudly walked away, advanced wedding arrangements already racing through my brain.  I couldn’t really blame her.  Even I thought it wouldn’t work out. 

I resisted him from the beginning.  Ever since the first time he asked me out on a date.  He was fascinated by muggle movies, and dropping by my house became a recurring habit for him.  How he found out where I lived, I have no idea.  If I only knew the person who told him, I remember thinking, they would be dead.  He never left.  He was always glued to the television.

“Ohh, Lily look at that!  That looks like the coolest movie ever,” he exclaimed to me as the preview for Star Wars came on.  “We have to go see that.”

_“Go see it by yourself,” I snapped, “and you can leave my house so I don’t have to deal with you.”_

_“But Lily,” he whined, “If you don’t go with me, I won’t know how to act.”_

_“James you don’t know how to act in your own culture.  You seem perfectly okay with looking like an idiot in the wizarding world.  What’s wrong with looking like on in the muggle world?  At least people don’t know you there.”_

_“Please go with me,” he continued to whine._

_“No,” I said, beginning to walk away._

_“Lily,”_

_“What,” I snapped, wishing he would just leave me alone.  But he did not back off._

_“Why won’t you go and see the movie with me?  Didn’t you see the light sabers?  Those things look so cool, like glow in the dark wands, but bigger, and deadlier.  You see, it appears you don’t need to know spells and stuff to kill people with them.”_

_“Sounds fantastic,” I replied snarkily._

_“I can’t believe you don’t want to see Star Wars.”_

_“I do want to go and see Star Wars!  I’ve been looking forward to seeing Star Wars since before you even saw that stupid commercial.  I’m just as excited about it as you are.  I just don’t want to go and see it with you,” I yelled, wishing something would make him back down._

_“But, if you want to go and see it, what’s wrong with going and seeing it with me?”_

_“If I go and see it with you, every time I watch the movie, I will think, ‘I saw this movie with James the first time,’ and it will totally ruin it for me.  I will never, ever be able to watch this movie without thinking about how you are so annoying.  So no, I am not going to see it with you.  I cannot have that imprint in my memory forever,” I declared, as I huffed off and left the house.  Petunia reminded me when I returned that my wizarding friends could not stay inside of the house without me being here.  “Great,” I said, “How do I get the ones who aren’t my friends to leave?”_

But she _was_ right, and I was wrong.  That was an occurrence that never happened.  And I didn’t care.  I never cared about anything she said.  It always rolled off my back because I knew, in the end, I would be happy, and she wouldn’t.  I never cared until now, when she was right, and I was humiliated, alone, and shaky.  

I sit there and hold my cat, which isn’t really my cat anymore, since she barely knows me.  I left her home when I went to school.  I guess I didn’t want the distraction, though I think the cat would have been significantly less of a distraction than the other ones I found.  We could have been so close, the cat and I, because I know it will always love me unconditionally, and if it has sex with another cat, then who cares?  We wouldn’t have that kind of a relationship.  Those relationships are a bad idea, and for good reason, right?

And I look up and see my childhood best friend walk in, and I remember how close we used to be.  But not anymore.  It seems as though I sacrificed my complete muggle life for the wizarding world.  It doesn’t seem as though I’m close to anyone I used to care about anymore.  And for what?  Now I get to be the wizarding world’s outcast.  Who would dare defy James Potter?  Who would side with his ex-girlfriend over him?  I’m an outcast everywhere.  As I realize it, I just broke down, crying, wishing that someone would at least hug me.  All this crying, and all anyone does is say it’ll be okay and pat my back.  No one hugs anyone anymore, and it’s a shame.  I really wish someone would hug me.

But as it turns out, I seem to have had better muggle friends than I gave them credit for back in the day.  Because, as she sat down next to me, she did the exact thing I was just wishing for.  She just sat there and hugged me.  She didn’t say a word; she just let me cry on her shoulder.  No one else had done that yet, but it was the one thing I really wanted, and in that moment, I loved her so, so much.  


	10. Losing Control

“She’s not supposed to die.  She hasn’t died yet,” I declared, denial laced in my speech.

“Uh…” Peter said, not knowing what to say.  James didn’t even try.  He just stood there, watching me on the verge of a panic attack.  He couldn’t even find it in him to try, that bastard.

“I mean, I know she’s dead. Well, sort of.  I just haven’t accepted it, so it hasn’t happened,” I said, a hint of disparity in my voice, wishing will all my might that I could undo the last week, that somehow, people would just stop dieing.  “It can’t have happened.  She was the last living relative I have left.  She, she, just can’t have died.”  

“What about Petunia,” Peter asked, somehow thinking this would help.  “She’s still alive.”  

“Would you claim her,” I asked, every word filled with disdain and malice.  “I said family.  She, Petunia is not my family.  In the last several years, she has not attempted to treat me like family.  She does not get to start now.”  The stupid questions, I wish they would just stop.  I wish the dieing would stop.  Why can’t it just all stop?  “If she died,” I said quietly to myself, though I am quite sure everyone in the room heard me, it was so quiet, “then I have no family left.  What am I going to do?”

“You’ll get through it,” my best friend for the last seven years said.  “It doesn’t stop hurting.  It hurts really really bad, and then it hurts really badly, and then it starts to hurt less.  You just have to learn how to pick yourself up again.  If you can do that now, you can survive anything.”

I just looked at her, hardly believing that she could be saying such things to me right now.  _It will hurt less,_ that is supposed to be my comfort?  How does that possible help me right now?  How?

“She was willing to go.  Your grandma knew the risks, fighting You Know Who, and she was willing to die so that we might have a chance to stop him.  She wasn’t going to back down, muggle or not.  She knew.  She may have been a muggle, but she knew.  Even in the muggle world they have evil tyrants, and even there they understand how war works.  We are all willing to go for the greater good, and if we’re not, then we should be.”  

I just stared at her.  If her words were supposed to be comforting, then there must be something wrong with me, because I was not comforted.  

“I can’t bury her.  I can’t go to her funeral,” I said, pausing for a long time.  And then my voice once again fluctuated to a whisper.  “If I go, then it really happened.  If I go, then I’ve accepted it, and that isn’t true.  She didn’t die.  She can’t be gone.  She isn’t gone and never coming back.  She, she…”

“Lily,” James said, “Whether you accept it or not, it happened.  She died, and you do _not_ want to miss her funeral, only to look back and regret not going with your only excuse being that you were in denial.”  It was the first thing he had said the whole time, and if I say she didn’t die, then she didn’t die.  Why are all these people telling me that she died?  Because she didn’t.  Bastard.  James, why do you have to be _such_ a bastard?

My final thought before I started running away was that I have to get away from all these liars.  All these liars, I thought they were my friends, and for some reason they are telling me that my only living relative left has died.  I had to get as far away from these people as I could.  I ran and ran and ran for what seemed like an eternity, only for James to catch up with me as I tripped over a tree root, face landing in the dirt, and not even caring, not even feeling it, just wishing I could feel something other than the pain.

“Lily,” James said in a soothing voice, but I cut him off. 

“You bastard!  You don’t say anything to me the whole time.  You don’t say one word.  Not one thing, until you tell me that I just have to live with it that my grandma died.  How in the world could you think that is comforting?”

“And what could I have said that would have been comforting?”  I looked at him and said nothing.  “Exactly.  There is nothing you can say.  If there is, then tell me.  Tell me and I’ll say it.  I’ll do whatever I can to make it better.  But in my experience, there is no phrase or saying or word that helps.  The only thing that helps is to be there.”

“But, you don’t understand.  Do you know what it feels like to be left alone in the world, with no family left to speak of?  Have you any clue?”

He looked at me and raised his right eyebrow, no longer so sympathetic.  “Oh,” I said, looking down at the dirt, feeling rather ashamed of myself.  “But, you still have Sirius.  He, he’s your family.”

“And I am yours,” James declared, making eye contact with me as I wondered how we became family, or what ever gave him the idea that we were.  “Like it or not, I’m not leaving you.  You, you are my family too, and even if you never admit it, I am.  Even if you leave me, I will spend the rest of my life pining for you.  You are my family,” he said, with a tone of finality in his voice.

“We can’t be family James. For us to be family, we would have to get married, and you saw how well that worked out the last time we got engaged.  We can’t be family.”

“Then marry me.  Forget the last time.  Remember, we stand up and learn how to move on.  Marry me and we can tell the whole world that we are family and no one can question it.”

I’m just looking at him, like he’s crazy, not really knowing what to say.  “It’s not exactly the most romantic proposal…”

“So?  We don’t really have time to waste.  We could be next.  Marry me so that we can be family until we die.”  Then he lifted up my head and wiped the dirt off my mouth, kissing me and slipping my old ring back on my finger, not even letting me say no.

“What if I want to say no,” I asked as I broke free of the kiss.

“You won’t say no.”

“How do you know?”

“You haven’t taken off the ring yet.”

_“She was willing to go.  Your grandma knew the risks, fighting You Know Who, and she was willing to die so that we might have a chance to stop him…We are all willing to go for the greater good, and if we’re not, then we should be.”_ I wondered if she still felt the same way the next week as she lay dieing in my arms, and I asked her.  “Yes,” she said.  “We should all be willing to die, and since I’m obviously a goner, you better get out of here, so that you can live to fight another day.  Be willing to die, but fight to live anyway.”  She was going to be my maid of honor too.  But I think she might be right.  It just hurts a little bit less as time goes on, and you learn how to stand back up.  Life is too short to spend dawdling in the ditches when you could be living in the clouds. 


End file.
